THE HARBINGER

Sam’s Roast Corner: Roasting the Turkey

By Sam Shipe, Opinion Editor

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Ah, Thanksgiving: a holiday marking the day when the pilgrims and Native Americans came together and helped each other by holding a feast. They were ever so thankful for each other’s presence and founded a national holiday. At least,  that would be the case if all of that wasn’t wrong.

Instead, the attendees were not, in fact, pilgrims. Pilgrims are a specific group of Puritans who came to the new land. The people who started Thanksgiving were not pilgrims. Now, the natives did help the people by supplying them food, and once the immigrants got back on their feet and had a bountiful harvest, they invited the natives to partake in a glutinous feast. This time of happiness and camaraderie was very short-lived, as the Natives were eventually betrayed and became victims of arguably the greatest crimes in American history. In other words, the people that the “pilgrims” were ever so thankful for would eventually be driven away, killed, and/or subject to European disease.

The first feast on Plymouth Rock was not a “Thanksgiving”, and the rest hardly ever were. They were feasts in which people gorged themselves on an insane amount of food. Now, that tradition is something we still keep up with. In the modern Thanksgiving holiday, we purchase pounds upon pounds of animal carcasses, carbs, and heart disease, and eat dinner at 2 p.m. because, for some reason, that makes sense to us. All this happens so you can unbutton your pants while sitting on the couch watching the Thanksgiving tradition that is people bashing their skulls together, and after that, you can slip into a comfortable food coma.

Then, for the next few weeks (and in some particularly horrible cases, over a month), you continue on making yourself sick from all the leftovers you now have available. There is a reason “Thanksgiving foods” have the word Thanksgiving in front of them and that is the fact that the human body can only handle them once a year. Eventually, the leftover food either goes bad or you’ve driven yourself mad from sub-par turkey sandwiches, and you throw it out. The irony of a holiday of thanks being spent full of gluttony and waste is not lost on me.

Some people, of course, have the tradition of going around the table with each member declaring one thing they are individually thankful for. As sweet as it sounds, the tradition results in nothing but clichés and pressure to say something  that a) you think your family will either agree with or find funny and b) that the person next to you hasn’t already said. In the end, the only thing you’re really thankful for is when the Thanksgiving festivities are over and everyone goes home, because you can finally sleep off your food baby.

So to those of you who actually take this “holiday” seriously, I say: gobble, gobble, Happy Thanksgiving!

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